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Dec. 1st, 2006



So all of my LJ notifications for the past however long have been routed to my junk mail.

Damn it.

That explains a lot.

Well, for those of you to whom I've unintentionally been a rude bitch - so sorry!  I will get back on the ball of posting and replying.


Nov. 11th, 2006


Upset At Humanity

The world really, it really makes me fucking sick some days.

A very, very close friend of mine (genderqueer, bi) went out last night and got roughed up by about four guys standing around outside the bars.

Why were they there?

Because it's Hell Week for their fraternity, and because one of their "hazing" activities is to force new pledges to go "kiss a gay guy."  Because they think it's funny.  Because apparently, kissing a gay or bi guy is a lot like kissing a llama, or a zebra, or some kind of weird half-human animal.  And it's really fucking funny, right?

Uh huh.  I didn't think so either.

One of them tried to kiss him, and they all got angry when he resisted.  (Because, you know, gay/bi guys aren't supposed to resist, right, and they'll stick their tongues in the mouth of any being - no matter how primitive or fucked-up - that wanders on by).  So they thought it'd be funny to rough him up, instead, and leave him in an alley in the rain.  He's bruised head to toe.  Swollen eyes and split lip and torn clothes.

Most days I believe that humanity's worth saving and fighting for.

On days like today, not so much.

Nov. 1st, 2006



Tonight is one of those rainy, cold nights. 

The nights that make you wish you had someone to share them with...

Or that make you reevaluate your life...

Or that make you change your mind about what you want and who you are.

One of those nights where it seems like, just maybe, dreams can come true.

Oct. 27th, 2006


Ways To Accidentally Scare The Shit Out Of Yourself: #5, 738

One of the more unusual outlets for my abilities in sculpting/painting has been dolls.  Like, collector's dolls.  A friend of mine at the university is doing this project where she's creating a veritable fuckton of dolls to represent different forms of sexuality and gender (which is very cool).  These dolls are very fantastical and sort of anime-inspired (she uses a lot of Japanese art for inspiration also) and she enlisted me to sculpt the bodies and etc. for the dolls and to paint the faces, while she deals with the rest of it (hair, eyes, clothes, whatever).

So we've spent various days making different body parts out of different materials, and the last body part we was working on were hands.  We had a million little tiny hands and had even managed to make some out of this really cool, lifelike polymer...and so I put them in a box, and forgot about them since I've in the midst of trying to get my own shit straight.

Cut to last night, very late, after I'd been up watching a series of really weird/unsettling movies with my ( temporary) roommate (not horror movies specifically: think Donnie Darko, think Mulholland Drive). I fell asleep on the couch.  I woke up at like four this morning, thirsty, and when I went to get something to drink I accidentally knocked down this box of tiny, lifelike, baby hands...

1) I woke my roommate up with my frantic yelling.
2) To get away from the hands - since when they fell on me I had no idea what the fuck they were - I jumped back into a counter, knocked over a jar of blue paint which was not closed tightly enough, and watched in horror as it proceeded to spill all over the floor.
3) My roommate was laughing so hard that the guy down the hall came to see if we were okay, and when he walked in he walked in to me surrounded by a thousand tiny hands, in blue paint, in pajamas, with my smeared makeup and my roommate laughing his ass off.  The look on his face was priceless.

So.  My morning has been so far spent in getting blue paint out of the carpet (*sob*) and putting all the tiny hands in a place where they're not going to jump out and get me.  Because it is really too close to Halloween for this kind of shit.

Oct. 25th, 2006


Holy Shit, The Sexuality Rage...

It must be the day for people to get in the trenches about sexuality.  The i_am_pansexual forum has been raging over a recent post, and the bi_people forum was accosted by, well, a homophobe (although if I'm correct the bi_people post has been deleted...)

Angst everywhere.  I suppose there's something to be said for being passionate about it, but damn.  That's a lot of negativity in one day.

Angst Angst Angst

This....this is emotional romantic vomit.  Therefore it's going behind a cut out of courtesy to fellow beings.

Oct. 23rd, 2006


My Hiatus

Sorry all - to those who have commented and to whom I haven't responded, and for my absence in general.  Things in my life have been rather difficult lately, and...well, I've been having to get my collective shit together, as they say.  The collective shit has now been gotten, and I'm back on board - so, you'll be hearing more from me.

Also hope to get some of my art scanned in soonish.

Also need love life advice.  

But all that will come after I go out and get things for dinner and come back here.

For those who have offered various forms of support - you are wonderful people and many blessings are coming your way.  Good karma out the ears.

Oct. 17th, 2006


Just when you think the cut couldn't go any deeper...

My parents called me today, for the first time in quite a while.  My Mom.  My heart jumped a little when she called, and I thought, "Hey, this is it, this is when they tell me they love me for who I am and everything's going to be okay.  This is the holiday season I get to spend with family."

No such luck.

What I was told, very curtly and in the space of five minutes, was this: "Your brother was just sent to Iraq to fight.  We'd ask you to pray, but your kind of people don't do much of that.  Just thought you should know he was gone."

He didn't even call to tell me goodbye.


Oct. 14th, 2006



Sometimes, I just find that moment.

I don't know what to call it.

A movement in the deity, a breath, a sense of harmony, an understanding, a peace.

It's night here and although the city lights occlude the stars I've painted them all over my bedroom ceiling to make up for it.  I'm blanketed in dimness.  Painting in the dark.  I can feel the wet slide of paint on canvas, the grain beneath the brush.  I painted my room in this apartment all in shades of blue so I always feel, when it's nighttime and I'm in here in the dark, that I'm in this...haven of lapis lazuli.

My parents aren't talking to me.  Some days I wake up and don't want to get out of bed.  So much of my life I feel adrift.  I have bills to pay and a master's degree to finish.  

Tonight, none of it matters.  

Painting freeform like this suspends my consciousness somehow.  Makes me forget.  Connects me to something better than I could ever be.  Part of myself violently manifested into color, onto physical planes.  It's a purging, in a way, a sacrifice.  Art always costs something.  I always feel I'm dying a little when I paint this way, but it's a wonderful sort of death.  A sacrifice for beauty.  And it's a simultaneous rebirth of sorts.

Tonight I'm happy.

Losing my LJ virginity...

Well, my very first LJ entry.

That's a little daunting.  What should I put here?

I hope that this journal, ideally, will prove to be an outlet for all the things I don't say.  I'm a shy person, but writing has proven in the past to be theraputic for me.  What I can't hash out in art, visually, I can usually ramble out in writing.  That's what I want to be able to do here.  And if I had to offer some sort of  "preview" as to what's going to go in this journal, it would probably be as follows:

1) Art: I am driven by this desire to incorporate pansexuality and bisexuality either explicitly or implicitly into the work that I do primarily because I think that the artistic field as a whole tends to neglect these kinds of works, or at least shoves them off into "modern" or "experimental" museums where half the public doesn't see them.  I want to edge my work into the mainstream and make "pansexuality" both a word and a concept that others can understand and come to accept.  So if you have any ideas, encouragement, or fuck, if you just like to talk art, I'm always all ears...

2) Family: I was talking to a friend today who encouraged me to make this LJ the "story of my pariah-ness."  My journey to independence has been a hard one; currently my family has disowned me and I'm not allowed to come home because of the choices I've made.  I find this upsetting and very frustrating, particularly since the reasons for the split are religious in nature.  I don't fit the fundamentalist norm and, as a result, I've been ostracized.  ....I miss my family terribly.  For anyone else in this situation - I empathize.  But if you're not going to be yourself, what else do you have left...?

3) Religion and Politics: I welcome, welcome, welcome debate.  The world is never going to change if people don't start talking in a civilized manner about it.  And yes, civilized does imply ground rules: common respect, common decency, a sense of our shared humanity.  What's the point in bashing people?

4) Any and everything else that might pop up on the "interests" section of my profile: which today would include the movie Breakfast on Pluto, fervent Futurama worship, and music.  I love music.  :)

A lot of what I say comes off as very serious, but in reality I tend to be a fun, talkative, insomniac of a person who loves makeup, fetish clothes (you know, the kind you can wear in public), and the deathrock aesthetic (note that I said deathrock, not zombie rock or corpse rock. .....there's a difference.  A big 'un.)

I intend to post and comment often, so this should be an interesting first for me.  Feel free to ask questions or comment or, well, just get to know me.